I had a strange dream last night.
It starts with me getting a massage from a sloth who keeps telling me to invest in the stock market. I trust a sloth’s financial advice about as much as an invitation to tie Anthony Weiner’s shoes, so I hard pass.
Once the sloth finishes (no, you pervert), it turns out the massage is in preparation for a battle royal with a bunch of celebrities, Hunger Games style.
The details are hazy but I remember The Undertaker from WWE beating Leonardo DiCaprio with a coconut, Pinocchio in full Three Musketeers garb slap-fighting Dubya Bush, and the scary guy from the movie Scream drowning Gwyneth Paltrow in a giant bucket of spaghetti.
Oh and for some reason, Keira Knightley is literally Jesus Christ, and she slaps me in the face with a fish. I don’t know.
What does this mean? And why am I sharing it with you?
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Well, I’m pretty sure my brain can astral project into the multiverse (u mad?), and I’m putting this article out for hundreds of thousands of people because . . .
. . . it’s 2019?
And if 2018 was any indication, this year’s shenanigans might make my dream seem reasonable. Or maybe even prescient?
It makes sense if you don’t think about it.
ANYWAYZ, now that we have that out of the way, let’s talk BIDNESS.
Here’s what’s going down in these parts . . .
If you want to learn BREAKTHROUGH diet strategies for melting belly fat faster than a roided hornet . . .
. . . as well as ANCIENT Greek training techniques for packing on brain-shrinking amounts of muscle in 30 days flat . . .
. . . and the SECRET underground supplements the world’s shittiest trainers use to get Hollywood A-listers not-really-jacked and definitely-not-shredded . . .
I swear on my swollen, lactating nipples (#lifetimedrugfree) that I’ll be excreting only the spiciest caca-content onto the social media platters, including . . .
And yes, dear follower, there will be shameless plugs of utterly meaningless gewgaws for you to waste all your hard(ly) earned dollars on, too.
So what are you waiting for? Everyone’s doing it!
. . .
Okay so if you’ve made it this far, I like you.
You have your priorities straight. You know reading my inane ramblings is the most valuable thing you can be doing right now.
This is why we’re friends. Or so I like to think, which is why I may be standing in your shrubs right now watching you read this.
Although I generally despise social media, and even more so the fitness scene on social media, I’m jumping headfirst into the fray.
I mean, if you can’t beat the degenerate narcissists, you might as well join them, amirite!?
Instead, what I’m going to do is use my social media accounts to reach more people with my simple, science-based, and practical advices for losing fat, building muscle, and getting strong, healthy, and happy.
That’s going to include . . .
Oh and I also respond to every message I get on these networks, so they’re a good way to get in touch with me if you ever have any questions, concerns, or feedback.
It has taken way too much work to get the exact protein bar that I wanted for my supplement company Legion, but it is indeed finally happening.
Within the next couple weeks (and I really mean it this time), you’ll be able to get your hands on a baked-to-perfection, naturally sweetened and flavored high-protein bar that’s gluten-free, low in calories and sugar, and downright delicious.
Allow me to punch up that last point.
One of the most common complaints out there about protein bars is how stale, dry, and bland most are (boo). And the most common way to prevent this is pumping up the sugar and fat content (hiss).
The question, then, was how do I make an all-natural protein bar with plenty of high-quality protein, a great taste and texture, and little sugar and fat?
The answer kinda sucked.
It took eighteen months of working with multiple manufacturers on who-knows-how-many recipes, and eating enough samples to choke out a bloat (YUP, LOOK IT UP) of hippos, but voila, I now have a protein bar that doesn’t suck! Go me!
And go you, too, because very soon you’ll be able to have them with me!
So uh there are a few more doodads worth sharing including a new flavor of Pulse that’s on the way as well as hot new content including a fancy meal planning tool, FFMI calculator, and more, but this article is already longer than Scaramucci’s term at the White House.
I’ll save the rest for our next totally platonic rendezvous.
Until then. . .
P.S. If you haven’t been paying attention to my work,
pound salt here are some of the most popular articles and podcasts I’ve published recently: